my life is nothing but a vicious cycle (and i'm about to change it)

in the process of trying to "shrink the change" in my life to just the most important areas, i decided to ask myself one question: 
what persisting problems affect the quality of my life?
i wanted to consider the things that i have battled long-term (ie. 10+ years) that i just have not been able to conquer despite easy success in other areas. i went about creating that list, and while i was proud to only pinpoint nine (which is huge considering i used to find something wrong in nearly everything i did), i soon found a common pattern among them all: a fear of helplessness. and suddenly, things made so much sense. i, by nature, have a severe aversion to appearing weak, overly emotional, unsuccessful, and most of all: helpless.
as a starkly independent woman (and teen and child), nothing crushes me more than feeling like i have no control, no options, and no say-so. it makes me feel weak. and i hate that feeling.

when i looked at all of the things i've been unable to change, i noticed that they all fell into one of three categories:
intense planning to avoid helplessness: 1. trying to control and plan for EVERYTHING, resulting in 2. constantly spinning my wheels, which amplifies at bedtime/quiet time and begets self-induced insomnia and a lack of inner peace.
when those plans don't work, my other problems surface: 1. loss of faith in God because He didn't work it out for me, which lessens my desire to pray, attend church, and read my Bible; and 2. loss of faith in myself because i couldn't make it happen, which feeds my low self-esteem.
when that faith/confidence in myself and God is lost: i lose faith that i can accomplish anything or that God actually cares about me, and i express my self-pity through my general disinterest in doing anything beneficial for myself like getting out of my bed/apartment, keeping my space clean, sticking to a budget, or sticking to a diet and fitness plan.
and then when i finally resurface from my state of helplessness five pounds heavier, in debt, and in an utterly cluttered apartment, i set right to work on planning to avoid ever being in that situation again.
i thought i could remedy my physical, spiritual, and financial shortcomings through direct actions, but i've finally come to realize that those things are merely band-aid solutions.  my life is a vicious cycle of trying to avoid helplessness.
and now that i know this, i will spend the remainder of this week (and possibly next week) seeking to find bright spots in this area to overcome this debilitating process. i think i will be much happier and much more at peace if i am able to work on the root and allow everything else to fall into place, rather than to attack the several different branches that aren't in and of themselves the real issue. ♥

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